Compassionate Nicotine

It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues. - Abraham Lincoln


Ever since I wrote the last post, I’ve been thinking about my only remaining vice, smoking. I had them all, alcohol, drugs, gambling, women. But got rid of them one fine morning, woke up to realize that I couldn’t find my lighter to light up. That’s when I realized how dependent I was on petty things. I had to lock myself in the room for a week, avoided my mates, and turned my mobile off, out of touch with the rest of my family. Just stepped out when the rest of the house was sleeping to grab some juice from the kitchen. One week of struggle and hardship, I wondered why I was doing it, but I realized that I was going to turn eighteen in a few months and I needed to do something constructive with my life, make a name for myself, run the rat race and win. No one remembers the second place. I gave it all up, and started to take responsibility on my shoulders, but my first love never left me, smoking. I’ve flirted with the other vices every so often, but like they say, you can never let go of your first true love.

I don’t smoke for style, I know it isn’t fashion. I never started to be cool. What started it is this one New Year party I went to along with my cousin and his friends. It was the dawn of the year 1999, and half the world was saying there would be no earth left when the date turns to 2000 the next time round. I was young and foolish and believed their tale. But I still didn’t pick up a cigarette even though I was offered it umpteen number of times by my cousin. I got back home at about 2am, and my dad was awake. Played a game of chess with him and he retired for the night, leaving me thinking about how he beat me one more time. Being young, I had this weird concept in my head, which is true, that it was the smoking that made the head work better and made him win. Everyone who smoked was successful in my eyes, My Grandpa, dad, my uncles, my cousins. Everyone!

It was time to get smart. I hardly slept that night, and first thing in the morning I went up to my dads room to get a cigarette. I just had to try it out, what made it so special? What did it actually feel like? How did it feel after a cigarette?

I walked in, went to the bedside where dad normally keeps his pack of cigarettes. The intention was to get one cigarette and try it out, but I was nervous and dropped something. I immediately felt the fear of getting caught, and stuffed the entire cigarette packed in my pocket. My dad woke up and looked at me confused wondering what I was doing inside his bedroom. I told him that I had come to remind him about some special show on the television about cricket. He rubbed his eyes and asked me to tell mum to get him a cup of tea. I nodded and rushed out of their as soon as I could.

Once downstairs and in the comfort of my own room, I took out a cigarette from the packet and lit it, I had only taken one drag on that first cigarette when my dad walked into my room. I choked, smoke coming out of my nose and mouth and my father right in front of me! Caught with the very first cigarette! Embarrassed, I didn’t know what to do, so I just put it off and went into the loo.

My dad never questioned me about that incident. He hasn’t to date. I have been in a lot of trouble at school for smoking in class and other stuff as well; very often I would take the blame if class was smelling of cigarettes. It got me into trouble with family, everyone looked at me like a criminal, hiding and smoking. That’s when I decided that I wouldn’t hide anymore, at the moment, I am sat in my room, my grandma, my mum, dad, some guests over . And I’m smoking with the door wide open; I leave the ashtrays for the maid to clean up in the morning. No one tells me not to smoke, well, no one had until grandpa did. And that shook me up, but is it so easy to give your first love up?

Time to give up? 150,000 sticks roughly. I got told each stick takes 8 minutes away from your life. 833 days gone? It’s given me seven years of companionship. My first love, been with me during the good times and the bad. Eight minutes is too much of a price to pay for such a great friendship? For all the love?


You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.


Time to say goodbye? Will it be easy? Will it shake me up? Will I be able to face every new day without you? I don’t know, wish I did…


Search others for their virtues, thyself for thy vices. - Benjamin Franklin