Insomnia

It’s early Sunday morning, or should I call it late Saturday night? That’s the first question that troubles me. Are my days changing? Why are there a sunset and a sunrise? Shouldn’t I be rising and setting just like the sun? Why do I set when the sun rises? Why am I so different? Can I not just be like everyone else? Why can’t I close my eyes and just go to sleep whenever my body needs it? Am I just afraid that I may never get up?

It’s always past three in the morning when I go to bed, never earlier, but it’s usually close to six by the time I’m actually sleeping. I work different time zones and with about sixty different countries, so I need to be up nearly round the clock. I love the way I function this way, apologizing to the Americans for my accent and asking them to slow down to help me understand them better, but hearing the same thing from people in Russia and other parts of eastern Europe. The Chinese telling me to come on msn so they can understand what I’m trying to put across to them, getting asked if I’m sure I’m Indian, and a lot of other similar stuff. It’s thrilling to be able to communicate with so many different people from different cultures, people with different languages, people of different ideologies and beliefs.

But I often wonder if I will regret missing all these hours of sleep. Shouldn’t I be getting just as much sleep as everyone else? Does sleeping for around three hours a day make me different? If it’s different, is it good or bad? But then I tell myself, whatever it is, I need to do what I do. That to me is more important than the luxury called sleep. But there are also many times that I really don’t have much work, but I just sit around talking to friend or relaxing with music. Do I need to feel bad for not using that time to sleep? I have been told its dysthymic disorder, but there is really nothing to prove it really is.

I also have a lot of dreams in those few hours I sleep, I dream everyday, and I vividly remember what I dreamed about the previous night. The one last night for example was horrid, I was just sitting smoking a cigarette, and instead of the paper and tobacco burning and turning to ash, my body started to turn to ash, and I kept smoking until I was made of only ash and then my entire body just crumbled down into a heap of ash with the bud of the cigarette right at the top. Then I woke up. The night before that, I was in Africa with that girl, a beautiful dream to be honest. It made me look forward to that day and things did go well for me. I also wake up every morning and feel hangover, and while I’m sitting on my bed smoking my first cigarette of the day, still drowsy , things of the past just flash across , and make me thing about what are the wrong decision that I’ve taken, and the good ones as well. People that know me closely know that I call it the morning show, that’s about the only entertainment I get all day.

But sometimes I get really exhausted with the lack of sleep and think that I really I need to get some sleep. I’m really tiered with over two months of hectic work. I’m planning to take a week of to just sleep sometime soon, but will I be able to sleep without those dreams?

If you can't sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there and worrying. It's the worry that gets you, not the loss of sleep.