Skepticism

The last one week has been hard, but just kept me busy. I have had a lot of catching up to do, with work, family, friends and the like. All things close to my heart. I’ve just been spending time doing things that are important, that I really haven’t had the time to put down things in writing, and when I finally did have the time at the end of the day, I was just too tiered to do anything at all.

I’ve just been drifting along with work; it gets so complex at times I wonder what’s the point. But I know its all for the good, my efforts will pay off, and I’m really in no hurry for them to pay off right now. It’s got to the point where I’m at the receiving end all along, from suppliers, from clients, from the board and the management. I’m answerable to everyone, crucial to keeping everyone together. Sometimes it seems like a lot of responsibility, but I want to face it and be strong. Sometimes I miss grandpa for all that support I used to get from him. The way its going I’m multi tasking, accounting, technical , commercial, sales, purchases , administration, banking. I’ve got it all on my shoulders, but ninety eight percent of the time I’m loving it! I guess I just have to work on the other two percent of the time, could do with a lot off support from friends and family, but everyone seems to be busy doing their own thing.

My tea guy left! Martin, if I even get my hands on him I’m not going to spare him! He took his pay, and never turned up after that, been looking for a new tea boy, but cant find a good capable one. My driver, Vijayan, he has been around for nine years now. I remember him driving me to school, looking out for me every time something happened. He was there for the family all along, the good times and the bad. Stood by our every decision, always took thing at its stride and was a great emotional support. He came up to me on Friday and asked for permission to start his own business, he’s buying a car and driving it for a big MNC, and he’s going to make ten times what I pay him. He actually had the courtesy of asking for permission, and I’m pretty sure if I said no, he would have stayed. But I couldn’t, I want him to be happy. I told him that if he was going to do better for himself and his son Edwin, to go ahead with it but to always remember that he’s welcome back here anytime. I will miss him, I don’t know what I’m doing to do without him everyday, so used to him driving me to work and giving me reminders on what I need to do that day. That’s one man I respect, and will continue to, don’t know if I will ever find such a good driver again.

I spent a lot of time the past week with family, mum and sisters mainly. Normally, I don’t get to see either as their out of the house before I’m awake and in bed when I’m back home. But it’s nice, just to see them around, laugh over a few things, share a meal together. Small things, but I haven’t had it for so long that I really enjoyed it. I also spoke with a cousin of mine; she’s about six years older to me, but great lass that one is! She’s a lot like me, someone who can think like me and talk to me on just about anything under the moon. I’ve always looked up to her, never told her that though. Maybe some day I will, but will that male ego let me? I’m not close to most of my cousins bar a couple, maybe three, but the distance keeps us from getting closer, though if given a chance I would give it my all to know them better. Someday I hope I will be able too.

I’ve been looking out for friends as well, it’s sad when someone goes back down the drug path after getting out successfully. He had so much at stake, but he doesn’t seem to be bothered. I tried helping him, taking him out for a drink and stuff, or just a drive whenever he called, but he started misusing that trust his folks had in me, using my name to go out and get smacked all over again. I had to drive him home, lie to his folks about what happened etc, its come to the point where I cant be bothered trying again. My other mates are doing fine though, got there life’s back on track and doing well for themselves, some studying hard, others making movies. We got in together; got out different times; just wish everyone would get out. It doesn’t get you anywhere. The new ones I’ve been speaking to have been rather quite the last few days, all of them busy with their exams, final year of college and the like. No replies to even things like texts, they probably are really busy and I’m happy that a few people are doing constructive things at least. I still need a lot of friends, a lot of people to talk to; hopefully I will keep finding more. If you’re wondering what happened with that girl, well, I got told not to push it, so I’m just taking it slow and going with the flow. Let’s see how things shape out. My best mate’s been going through a lot of nonsense from the boyfriend cause of me and other things from her past. I just can’t take someone hurting her, he thinks what she does is cheap, so what exactly is he doing with a cheap girl then? He can’t seem to get over her past and keeps troubling her about it, the way its going I see her leaving him, she’s not the type who is stick around when the trouble seems to much for her, she already has a load off stuff happening in her life that is hard for her to take, and I only hope he treats her better and starts understanding her. I had this dream that he asks her to smash a crystal teddy that I sent her; it sits on her bedside, looking down at her. And he forces her to smash it, and she does. Horrible dream, just hope this one doesn’t come true. My other mate Sara is helping me loads just listening to me woffle away everyday to her on msn, and gives me great ideas that so far have worked. Thanks a ton Miss Lodge! And thank you all those others who give me an outlet on here, on msn and on the phone and those few that I get to meet in person every so often.

I slept loads during the weekend, infact the whole of Sunday I slept, except for a short while when I woke up and went for a haircut, massage and the like. Had a hot shower, some great music for the soul and just slept, slept like a baby for hour together. But I feel hung-over cause of all that sleep, or is it because I’m not looking after myself well? I don’t know, I need to cut down on that caffeine and nicotine, and I’m doing that slowly. Just where is all this going? Let’s see how it goes...

Time is a cruel thief to rob us of our former selves. We lose as much to life as we do to death.