Twenty

On the 6th of April, 2006 I will be turning twenty. Twenty years of coming out of the womb, each day of those twenty years being a new one, different challenges every day. I managed to get out successfully out of the womb, but each day, as far as I can recollect, has been a constant challenge for get out of myself. To leave the shell behind and move on, to go out and find bigger, better and greater things for myself and the people close to me. I have been, and will always crave for change.

I have never had a ‘fun’ birthday, it’s always been boring, and the worst things happen on that day. It is for that reason that I worry so much every time its time to get one year older. When I was small, I couldn’t have those birthday parties that all my other friends used to have, when I was middle aged, I had birthday parties, but they always ended up bad, arguments with friends silly fighting and grudges that others hold against me to this day, the last few years I’ve not even bothered doing anything for my birthday for the sole reason that no body remembers it anyway, no one wishes me, so I’ve got nothing to do that day. I just carry on like a normal day. No one buy immediate family remembers by birthday. It doesn’t mean that much to me, but looking at the importance that other people give their own birthdays, I sometimes feel left out.

Twenty, I keep thinking to myself, is a pretty dreadful age to be. I’ve asked around, and everyone seems to have twenty as the worst year in their lives. A confusing, lonely, decision making year, and a tough one at that. It just doesn’t sound fun being twenty. I wouldn’t mind twenty one, or nineteen, but twenty? At twenty, it feels like I won’t be that innocent boy anymore, but that more responsible man, though I will not be looked upon like a full grown adult either. It’s the sort off age where everyone looks at you and either thinks you’re too old or too young. The innocence and responsibility want to live together, but they just are not allowed too.

I want to know myself better, so I can ride another year through in the best possible way and maybe look back and tell myself ‘Hay, I had a winner there!’ . That means more soul searching , experimenting, answerability, questioning my self and a lot more of those activities that really stress the mind out. I came across the Nohari and Johari windows, and got my own windows. I want people to fill them out for me, and help me understand more about myself, things I don’t yet know but some off you have figured out through the years I know you, or even if its just a few months or days. I’ve done a lot of other activity like this, talking with friends, asking them to tell me my faults and advantages and stuff like that. Hopefully, I will get to know myself better and grow more in confidence and carry on with all those dreams of mine, ready to face the world, always ready for a new challenge…





We are born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized before we are fit to participate in society.