Vulnerable

This is my first post as a twenty year old, and in all honesty, it hasn’t been great so far. Everyone seems to think I’m paranoid, just worried for no reason, but nothing seems to be happening for me. I’m trying to work hard, but its not paying off really well, I’m skint, and that’s a fact, though no one really believes me, my credit card dues are long pending, got a lot of other pending stuff, but that never is an issue, sometimes I think its because of what I am, or should I say, what bloodline I belong too.

Some good news, Martin, my tea guy is back! And so is Vijayan, my driver, convinced him to stay back and Martin needed to be dragged back by the collar. People at the work place have been fine. Had some server upgrades, physical relocations and stuff that took place, everything went smooth, but there was a lot of yelling to be done, a lot of teaching, explaining and making everyone understand that we were working towards a common goal where everyone would be a winner. Clients for better quality and prices, staff for lower levels of post-conversion service calls, the management for the money they were going to make, though the management was the toughest one. It’s hard to explain when the board has your uncles and your dad on it, they never do understand much except for the green that they are going to make out of it all.

People have started viewing me with different perspectives, I was normally the type of person who would hate getting judged, but lately , I’m trying to get people to judge me, be honest and tell me what they think about me and what I do, or how I present myself, Its part of my quest of figuring myself out. There just this curious little boy inside me who wants to know myself better and the curiosity just grow day by day. So far I have learnt a few good things about myself, and a few bad. For some reason, I keep stressing on the bad, I know, I need to get over it, but how?

That girl, well, she’s still confusing me. Playing hot and cold all the time, can never understand what she wants or what she doesn’t want, and I can’t do anything about it because I have been told to not push it, take it slow. The heart has fallen, someone told me lately, that I’ve never fallen in love fully while she has known me, but she knew that when I would fall, I would fall hard. I have, I’ve fallen so hard for this girl, I can’t even pick myself up to tell her that outright. The hazards of being male I guess.

To the crux of why I’m actually writing this entry, I’ve had a miserable week at work. The problems just keep coming on and on, I solve a few issues and then new ones creep up right away, its got to the point where I’m not able to cope with it at all, I love what I do, I know its worth it in the long run, but what about now? I need to distress for a while, and I’m planning a holiday sometime soon, just got a few work commitments to take care off, and then I’m off for a weekend maybe! Maybe go and never comeback?

I don’t feel like sitting here and waiting for things to shape up, I feel like running away and ending it all and it’s not a good thing. I have been like this before, and it isn’t a nice feeling, to sit here contemplating how to finish it all, not have any more problems, not have anything to worry about, but would it leave everyone worried? If I make up my mind and go ahead and do it, would people actually just shrug and say ‘scum gone of the face of the earth’ or would they say ‘he was a good one’. That little boy inside me is curious to know, and how to figure it out than to stop being hypothetical and get practical.


Start spreading the news
I’m leaving today
I want to be a part of it
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These vagabond shoes are longing to stray
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You desire to know the art of living, my friend? It is contained in one phrase: make use of suffering.