Incubus

For the last year, I’ve been having nightmares regularly, but I’ve gotten over it, thanks to that sweet dream every now and then. But the last one week has been bad, really bad. I go to bed expecting a nightmare; somehow I can feel its coming as soon as I hit the bed. It’s all been okay, I’m used to it by now, I just wake up, shrug it off and go back to sleep, or take a shower and head to the office to take my mind of it. But last night was different. I was sitting up bored, and reading some blogs, messing around on some community sites, while monitoring calls and talking to people form work. Listened to some music from the past, and smoked a shit load of cigarettes. I wasn’t feeling comfortable, but I didn’t know why or what to do. I hit the bed and tried to sleep at about three, but couldn’t sleep for at least an hour. While I was lying down, I was thinking about a few things and people, some thoughts made me smile, some made me worry. I drifted into a deep sleep, all the worries in the world left behind, but that’s just me being wishful.

I have this bad habit of remembering all my dreams, at least most of them. It comes to me naturally, be it good or bad, it just lingers around my head the whole of the next day, and sometimes even months later, and last nights dream is still right in front of my eyes, I’m re-living the experience by the second.

I was there, lying down on the beach, with a light drizzle over me and the clouds covering the moon. I was trying to look at the moon, but the clouds were covering her, not letting me look at the beautiful thing. I stared for a while, and then she showed herself to me, in her full. I looked at her and smiled, feeling the comfort that just looking at her brought me. I then looked around, to see the water shining with her light, those trees with owls perched on them, the sparkling sand, the sound of the waves and that breeze blowing across my body. It felt like I was in heaven. In the distance I could see a group of people sitting down and talking, must have been ten people or so and I could hear the dull echoes of laughs and giggles, it looked like they were having fun. I looked at them and it felt so nice, a group of friends sitting down together while the whole world slept and having a nice time. No false ego’s, no hang ups, no dirty mind games, no politics, just a group of friends having a good time. I wished I could be with them, or at least have my own friends sitting down with me, but I didn’t have any friends. I continued looking at those people, trying to look at them a little closer, but all I could see were shapes, no faces. After a while, two of them got up and walked away, as they got closer I could see that they were holding hands and talking, I was put in a whole different trance, I imagined it would be sweet talk, how much in love they were , they seemed so nice together. So beautiful, so pure. I craned my neck to watch them all the way, they walked and they walked until they finally disappeared. I kept looking hoping could still see them, but they were out of sight. I gave up and looked at the sky again, and lay there smiling. Suddenly there was a gush of wind that made me turn away closing my eyes tight to stop the sand from getting in. When I opened my eyes I saw this lady, the same one that I saw before, walking towards the rocks to my left. Her friends were to my right and she was walking away from them. I looked at her, I could see her flowy gown, all black and shining when the moonlight hit her. She walked up there and sat on the rocks, I wanted to go talk to her, but I decided not to. I looked at her, and I had a perfect view, she was standing there with her hands stretched wide. I glanced at her friends, it came across to me that they wanted to ignore her, the laughs and giggles had slowed down, but they didn’t move towards her, just those glances every now and then. As she stood there, she was saying something, it was just a dull murmur, but it sounded sweet, like a song or poetry. I was curious, I wanted to hear her and understand her. I decided to move closer. I crawled a bit and then I walked brisker towards the rocks. For a moment, I thought she saw me approaching, but she didn’t stop. She continued singing, I could her confessing her love for him, but she didn’t seem to believe he loved her. I looked behind me, I could see that guy coming back now, but he moved towards the group of friends, and not towards this girl. She started singing about death, I looked up at her, I could see her clearly now, he face was pale, a very scary sight. I tried walking up, I got there, and she was looking at me and smiling. She smiled at me for a minute, I was just there looking at her, wondering what she was going to do. She took a step forward, I looked below, it was a cliff, there were small rocks below in-between the water and it was a long fall. She took another step, still singing, but I could see tears in her eyes now. I whispered ‘no’, but the wind carried my voice to her. She nodded her head in disagreement, smiled while tears still rolled down her cheek. She took another step forward, I looked at her, she was too close to the edge. I moved forward and pushed her back, but I slipped and fell straight down, looking up at the moon. The girl leaned over the cliff and looked at me, a tear drop fell on my face.

I woke up, sweat all over my naked body. It was about five in the morning, I couldn’t sleep anymore, so I moved from my room to my grandpa’s room, he isn’t with us anymore, so the room was empty. I lay there, but the dream scared me, plus there was that occasional thought about grandpa as well. I couldn’t sleep, so at about six I moved into my parent’s room and curled up on the floor near my mum, at least I would be safe there. Safe from the thoughts and dreams. I couldn’t sleep; I don’t think I ever can.

Will these dreams continue? I’ve had similar dreams before, but I’ve never done something like this for another person. It’s always been about me. I never bothered about interpreting my dreams, but I need this interpreted. Encarna, if your reading this, please buzz me, I can’t seem to find you anywhere. I hope they don’t continue, all I want from life is some peaceful sleep ever now and then…

They say dreams are the windows of the soul--take a peek and you can see the inner workings, the nuts and bolts.

Forlorn

Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods.



The past six months, I’ve been trying to socialize a little bit, get in touch with old friends, meet new people, or just old acquaintances, and I’ve bee working on it constantly. I must say, I’ve met and spoke to a lot of people, a couple of hundred if not more, and it’s been great. Lawyers, doctors, architects, simple students, models , VJ’s , RJ’s , businessmen , sweet girls, tough guys, beer guzzlers, cigar smokers , I’ve seen them all, been with them all. That odd cup of coffee, a nice drive, or lazing around on the bed talking about the old times, those long phone conversations, that one off movie, a meal together and sometimes that formal meeting at the office. That smile, those fits of laughter, that tear in the eye, the explosion of emotion, all those old memories coming back. Life’s been so much fun, and I’ve been hoping this continued for a long time to come. But it hasn’t , people just stop talking to me all of a sudden. No response to phone calls, no reply to texts, if they do pick up the phone they tell me they would call me back, but those calls never do come. Get told that they would call me back in twenty minutes, so I go ahead and cancel an out of the office appointment to be on the phone, and wait. But those calls never come too. Blocked on msn, invisible to me on yahoo, no replies to emails. Life has its ways. I don’t blame them, they have stuff to do. Universities to get into, other friends to talk to, keep existing relationships in order. Why pay attention to some new jerk that suddenly decides to come up to you? All this makes me wonder if I’m so detestable, that people can’t even stand me, and they are just being nice by not saying anything. Am I that embarrassing to be seen around with that no one turns when we fix up to meet somewhere, or mainly just not agree to meet up anyway? Do I send the wrong signals when I’m texting or on the phone? Have I just lost touch with the way that people like to communicate because of my staying away from a social life to save myself from falling for the vices again? Why don’t they just tell me to my face that they don’t want to be associated with me? It hurts, makes me think why I even tried, I should have know better about myself, a prick with no life, one that shouldn’t expect one either. There’s the bright life, one filled with friends and good times, people to meet, places to see, but I get shown the door every time, and in the politest way possible. So here’s me heading back to the dark, probably will fall in a pit somewhere and no one will notice. It hurts to be me, really does...



I need rain to disguise the tears in my eyes
Yeah, You know I'm a man, I ain't got no pride,
Till it rains, I'm gonna stay inside

Nebulousness

She waits for me, my lady Earth, Smiles and waits and sighs; I'll say her nay, and hide away, Then take her by surprise.

I have been trying to get to terms with what life is holding for me. Every time I seem to do something big, finish off a big deal, it always gets cancelled at the last moment. Nothing I do seems to happened smoothly, and I’m taking the tough route to the end , that’s only those few times that I’m at the end. Most times I’m just stuck there with nowhere to go, no one to go to. Except for my dad, he’s the only one that I know cant be wrong, wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to me, only wants the best for me.

Though I know my dad will be around for me every time I need him, two days ago I was scared, scared because a friend of my dad’s, whose just about his age, collapsed with a brain hemorrhage and is only being kept clinically alive until his daughter arrives from the United States where she is studying at the moment. A perfectly healthy man, with not a worry in the world, financially sound, his entire family happy. Someone like this could collapse all of a sudden one morning, and my dad, only forty-four years old, but with a lot of stress. The very thought makes me shudder. I’ve not been able to get over grandpa yet.

Work, like I mentioned before, hasn’t been really good. There was a huge episode here in India lately with a son of a famous late politician getting caught and nearly dead due to a drug overdose. Instead of scaring me, it was tempting me to just do that ‘one line’ that ‘one last time’. I think most of us know about that ‘one’ line. I had a tough time convincing myself not to go out and be stupid. It’s defiantly not worth it at all. But I’m starting to hate myself for even thinking about it, I’m starting to detest myself, and that isn’t helping too much as well.

Like most people at home and on here suggested, I needed to take a break. That I did, I went away to Bangalore and the surrounding country side. It was nice to be away from the hustle-bustle of work for a while, but I couldn’t stay away too long. I am trying a lot of new things with work and with my social life too. My social life has been a mess, and I’m making an effort to change that.

Today I have an umbrella, and it’s not even raining. I’m safe. Everything is good, though I must admit it could be better. But will I still have the umbrella when it rains? Or will the rains wait for the umbrella to be gone to come down?



One day you'll look to see I've gone For tomorrow may rain, so I'll follow the sun