Eudaemonia?

As I see it, every day you do one of two things: build health or produce disease in yourself.

I’m not in the best of health. I’m not in the best state of mind. I’m not in the best financial situation. I’m not in the best emotional situation. I don’t have anything left in this world. I’m coughing my lungs out, and my chest hurts. It’s been hurting for a few months now, but it only gets worse. I don’t even have the courage to tell anybody about it, because some will get extremely worried and the others will end up laughing if a twenty one year old complains about chest pains. My smoking is what the problem might be, though someone told me that it might even be just something in my head. But it hurts, really does, and I can feel the pain. How can that be in my head? I’ve cut down on my smoking massively the last couple of weeks, but my nicotine cravings come with nausea and vomiting along with a chest pain sometimes. I’ve been to doctors, the only thing I hear from them is to stop smoking and eat more greens so my lungs can have more oxygen. But what about the chest pains? No one seems to have an answer.

As I sit here in my office, my chest hurts and I can’t even type continuously. I need to stop every time my chest hurts and push my chair back and relax. It gets worse sometimes and I end up drinking a glass of water and taking deep breaths. Relax, Relax... That’s the only voice I hear in my head and I take a few deep breaths. Sometimes it goes away quickly, sometimes the pain takes a long time to subside. But whatever happens, there’s always a little stinging sensation in my chest and it makes talking difficult. But talking is what I do for a living and I can’t stop doing that. When I feel nauseated, I put my head down on the table and take a few deep breaths. Medication helps sometimes, but it’s not safe because I really don’t know what pills to take and what I shouldn’t. Nor am I aware about the dosage, and there’s no one in this world who I can ask. There is however one person who used to help me, but that person doesn’t want to be associated with me anymore. I think I did something wrong.

The more I think about what I did wrong, the worse I feel. I am not the best of human beings and I think I’m a very bad friend. There’s not a single person in the world who would call me if I didn’t call them first. I wonder why? And the more I ask myself these questions and the more I think about it, the worse I feel. I feel like a useless human being and an untrue friend. I don’t like myself anymore, and I don’t feel good like I used to in the past. Life has its ways, and it’s probably out to get me.

As I write this, its time for me to go out on some work. My chauffer is attending to my sister, as she is out with friends and she wanted someone to drive her. I need to drive, but I’m not comfortable with the thought. My chest hurts, really badly. I don’t know if I can control the car. Should I even be driving? I’ve done it before; driven with a chest pain. It blurs my vision and slows down my senses, but as long as I drive slowly it should be fine. But today, I don’t feel so confident. I’m going to look if someone in the office is free to give me company, and just sit by my side while I drive. I have to go; my work is important. Everyone else has deserted me, and my work is all I have left. Pray for me.

I want to breathe; I want to live a normal life. I want to be healthy. I want support. I want comfort. I want love. I want companionship. I want myself. I want to be happy. I want to live. I want to die.


Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.